Photograph

Photograph (Ariel Rivera)

I still have a photograph of you

I kept it all these years

I guess it will make you laugh to know

It still brings back the tears

From another place and time, when your love was mine

A picture of innocence, your eyes they move me even now

If I had the confidence I’d try to bring you back somehow

To another place and time when your love was mine

*Maybe I’m just a sentimental fool bringing back memories from a photograph of you

Back to another place and time when your love was mine

rpt*

I still have a photograph of you, I’ve kept it all these years

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You are sorting your things out in your messy apartment. You decided to change your wardrobes and donate it to your favorite charity.

You were so absorbed in deciding what to keep and to give when your eyes caught the box firmly hidden in the darkest corner of your closet that has been exposed. That same shoe box that can elicit all emotions in you.

You fought the urge to come closer and reach out for the box. Instead you went out of the closet and went to the kitchen to drink some water. After a few minutes of calming yourself, you went back and continued what you have left off. Then again as if the box is calling your name, you looked at it. And as if admitting your defeat, you sighed, went closer and sat on the floor readying yourself for another painful reminisce.

You touched the box with so much love like the way you touched that person way back. And opened it gently and holding your breath as the pictures and letters were exposed in your sight.

You took the photograph of both of you and her sitting on a bench; it was your wedding picture. Looking at it, you drowned your thoughts in memory lane.

“I didn’t know we’d do this much today” she said, her head slightly leaned on your shoulder

“We did too much too suddenly. Really. I’m scared” you replied, confusion evident on your face

“What are you afraid of?” she answered controlling her laughter

“I don’t know. I’m just afraid” you answered

“There must be something you’re afraid of” she probed

“I just feel so many things has changed today”

“What’s that?” she laughed lightly

“I don’t know, it’s weird.” you replied, uncertain

This was the first time you felt something for her, you were so confused to the point of resorting to asking the leaves if you love her or not.

As you put it back in the box, you looked at another photograph; it was the picture of you serenading her under the tree. You especially researched the songs that reflect your true feelings without anyone in the staff notice there is an interior motive.

Just after the shoot

“Nuna, is it okay if I drive for you? You seemed very tired” you asked

“You don’t have to. I know you’re tired as well.” She answered

“I insist.” You then grabbed her keys and went inside the driver seat leaving her with not much of a choice.

“Aish, you’re really a persistent kid.” She told you

As you drove your way to Seoul you were struggling to say the words that you have been practicing for a while.

“Buin, you remembered the lyrics of the song that I sang earlier?” you asked

“Yeah, the song is nice” she said as she took a glance of you.

“I meant every single word” you said quietly and sucked your breath deeply “I think I’m falling for you, can I ask you out?”

“HJ, I think you are just confused. You’ll clear your mind once this marriage is over.” She said after long silence

“I expected you to say that, and I know it won’t be easy for me to convince you. But I’ll try my best” you said

“I guess you’re not easy to turn down as well.” She replied, her eyes on the road

As you put the picture down, another come in view, it was the picture they took after they changed into couple sweat shirts on their farewell mission.

You texted her and told her your decision beforehand. “Saranghae buin. The decision lies on your shoulders now if you feel the same then we should continue, right?.”

After the shoot, she left directly not even saying a word.

When the studio shoot came, it turns out that she decided to continue and that made you truly happy.

“Buin, do you acknowledge my feelings now?” you asked her after you followed her to the dressing room

“HJ, I think it’s fun to be in this program and to be with you, but what you’re asking is a bit off” she hesitated

“But you made your decision, it only meant that I am important to you.” You replied “we’ll talk over dinner, I’ll come back here after we changed.” You walked out directly not giving her the chance to refuse

That sealed your first date. And there were more dates that had followed.

Another picture was in view as soon as you put the other one down. It was taken on the Ant tour, just after the fake quarrel was over. Both of you sneak out for a while without everyone noticing since the filming was over.

In the picture you were comfortably hugging her from the back, her eyes sparkling with happiness, both of you are grinning from ear to ear.

“Buin, are we what I think we are?” you finally asked after mustering enough strength

She was only staring at the dark sea. Your heart was thumping really hard as if it was about to explode while waiting for her reply.

“HJ, with all the things we’ve been through, I’ve grown fond of you. You are really precious to me, but I have been into a very painful breakup and I am scared.” She finally answered “Not only that, we have many considerations like our career, your fans and your management.” She continued

“Buin, if we really wanted to, there are always ways to conquer our love.” You answered “Please let your guard down for me.” you pleaded, and slowly moved closer to give her a kiss, giving her room to let go but she hadn’t. And that was the beginning of the happiest days of your life.

Next was the photograph of both of you after reaching the top of Mt. Halla. You were very exhausted when she suggested taking a picture, the exhaustion shows on your face but you managed to smile for the camera.

It was the first time you saw her cry. It broke your heart as tears ran down her cheeks endlessly, you wanted to reach out and hug her tightly but she refused your minute wiping of tears.

You were confused of why she was acting as though you two won’t see each other after WGM.

“SEGYERO!” you both shout then hugged. You both went down Mt. Halla in silence, aware of the presence of the crew just behind you.

“Why did you cry so much?” you asked quietly

“I’m just sad. There is no more legal reason for us to see each other every week.” She replied

“Oh..” the only word that you were able to say as understanding of the implication of her statement bombarded you. “But we can still see each other.” you said after awhile

“Yeah.. in secret.” She let out a sad smile that made your heart ache

Both of you flew back to Seoul and began your busy schedule. At first you were so eager to keep in touch but as days pass by it has been difficult. You can barely have a decent sleep, you’re schedule was enormous, you can’t even believe it on how you’d gone pass it and still alive.

Another photo came in view as you place the previous one. It was the last picture of you together; it was at the awards night where you were awarded as the best couple. Both have a trophy on hand and in front of you is a microphone. Your expression was that of a stone, standing there fully made up, you look like a statue. She smiled widely as she gave out her speech her eyes are sparkling but not because she’s happy but because of the tears that she was holding off, she’s as stunning as the last time you saw her. But you knew better than that fake smile.

“Buin, why is it that you chose that for a dress? You asked eyebrows creased pointing at the little thing she called a dress

“Do you remember a time where I asked you to come over?” she answered in a stiff tone

“Well yeah… but something came up that day and I called you to cancel it.” You answered

“That was the time where I wanted to ask for your opinion on what dress I’d wear this evening and since you were not there, I opted to choose this.” She said in matter-of-fact tone almost near sarcasm

“So, you chose that to despise me?!” you asked anger rousing “You know perfectly well that I’m busy nowadays…” you continued

“Do I need an appointment to meet you then?” she interrupted “Do I have to wait for hours when you said you’d come and you wouldn’t in the end?” she said tears trail down her cheeks which she immediately wipe off “This relationship is absurd.” And she left you standing there unable to move

That was the last time. She changed her number and avoided you. The last picture of her is what you are holding right now, her face is so enticing she is the new face of Marie Claire Korea, you can’t help yourself but to download it and print it for yourself. You missed her so much your tears come running without you knowing it.

“If only I have confidence to win you all over again.” You whispered and placed the photographs in its rightful place for keeping.